Little Bit Of Purpose, Anybody?

I'm back from my soul-searching with, unfortunately, nothing.

That's right, all that talk about losing oneself and trying to findback oneself are apparently a whole lot of bull.

I think I find myself at a burnout stage. Then again, I can't really confirm that I'm suffering a burnout either. I also thought I reached a point where I have to rethink many things in my life.

Generally speaking, I assume I'm confused. People express their enthusiasm when I tell them that I (finally) settled in Lasalle. Appreciate that very much. But I find myself losing enthusiasm!

It gets very discouraging at times. Somehow or other, I'm getting depressed. AGAIN. I'm kinda slipping in and out of feeling high and low. Very frustrating.

Perhaps I'm really too much of a perfectionist. So much so that I'm becoming an idealist!

Ghani said, "They call it 'ideal' because you cannot achieve an 'ideal' in life,"

Therefore, if things turn out to be less than ideal, I get discouraged and depressed. Obviously not an 'ideal' situation. Hence, I get discouraged and depressed. And the discouragement and depression snowballs. So can you imagine how terrible I really feel?

Yes, I DO FEEL TERRIBLE.

Eh, what's that at your knees? Oh!! IT'S YOUR JAW!

Anyways, couple of days back, I dropped my spectacles and shattered the lens at the rims. BLOODY HELL... It was some fucking expensive UV- and screen-glare- proof lens okay!

Went down to my optshop to get new lenses replaced. This time, the uncle pushed for me to get those unbreakable lens. And I do mean unbreakable.

I remember back in secondary school when I, too, had specs that were fixed with unbreakable lens. One fine afternoon, I carelessly flung my specs out of the FOURTH floor corridor of the classroom block. Scurried down to the first level like a blind rat, only to find my specs in PERFECT condition.

Therefore, now, with my specs at the lab, how to I move around, I hear you ask, since I'm blind as a bat without specs.

Well, I got myself contact lenses lah! That is despite strong opposition from my mother. But I got no choice right.

Plus, it's not like I enjoy sticking my finger into my eye.

As much as I cringe at the fact that I HAVE to stick my bloody index into my eye, I still had to do it.

I guess some things in life don't come with choices. Gotta do it even though you hate it. It's tough advice for me, okay. It's like slapping my own face. Sia suay...

Talking about suay, here's one ultra super duper SUAY thing that happened to me.

I didn't pay my broadband bills for three months. M1 sends their reminder letter. So I guai-guai paid off around S$90.

But then one day, I realised that my connection got cut-off. Thought it was so strange and unfair, when I obviously paid the bill! I ALSO HAVE THE TRANSACTION RECEIPT, OKAY!

To my horror, the 90 bucks that I paid went to the HANDPHONE bill instead. Fucking keyed in the wrong account number. Coincidentally, I got a call from M1 on the same day.

I've to say though, contrary to marketing and advertising slogans, the M1 broadband vodafone portable modem is NOT your best pal.

But I like M1 anyways because of their branding. Love the logo, love the colour, love the slogan.

Oh, and the M1BroadBand adverts! It's very classic how they presented it! Tightly kerned Sans serif. Sexy...

So, like I've said, the broadband connection got cut off, and I thought, well, at least it goes along with my plan to abstain from Internet.

One more thing I learnt about the Internet, which is supposedly a 'secret', is that the Internet sucks life out of time. I still cannot figure out if the Internet is a boon or a curse. I think it will be something that is debatable for eternity.

Read a book titled, The Flawed Glass.

Hey! Your jaws at your knees again!

Talked about a girl, Shona, on a Scottish island who couldn't talk and couldn't walk properly. However, she believed in a miracle that would set her free from the body she couldn't control. Then came a boy, Carl from urban US who introduced her to the computer.

And the computer, with proper telecommunication system, allowed Shona to 'talk' (through typing) to Carl even though they were miles apart.

The word processor and instant messaging system on the computer was the miracle that Shona had been hoping for.

My... How we take it for granted eh...

I would love to live on a remote island and be self-sufficient, away from any telecommunications. But then again, the grass isn't always greener on the other side.

To date, I haven't been to work for three weeks now.

I'm telling you, the workplace now, is like this massive cauldron spewing scandals faster than you can retract that jaw of yours that seems to be at knee level all the time!

It used to be just mildly scandalous, but apparently, scandals are infectious. Of course, I'm in no way part of any scandalous relationship. Haha!...

But it's finally back to work tomorrow. Remember what I said about not liking something but having no choice but to do it? I do feel that way tonight.

I desperately need money. However, not THAT desperate yet.

I recently got down to getting my TRIA Pantone markers after contemplating for a VERY LONG time. Cos you know, they are terribly expensive and all, and they come in a gazillion shades of colour. I didn't wanna get a colour that I'll regret getting. I couldn't possibly get the box set—they go for over S$200!

So I just got Cyan, Magenta, Yellow, blacK and some shades of grey. OH MAN I LOVE THE GREYS!

I tried rather successfully at mixing the colours to get many other colours! Ultimately, I attempted to create the colours of the rainbow. *wink wink Sofian* ;D

Then I succeeded, okay! I wasted quite a lot of expensive ink lah, but I thought the colours came out exceptionally well. Good on, say, a handphone lanyard? *wink wink Ghani* ;D

Anyways, I had a really bad nightmare last night.

I was at a hawker centre. It's either the Golden Mile Army Market one or the Kuan Imm Temple there that one. I was alone, with my Freitag backpack full of stuff, including my Freitag-sleeve-protected MacBook.

I put my bag down at a table and went off to but food. I was very hungry, so I took a long time to get a lot of food, forgetting that no one was attending to my belongings.

But I did remember the sign they put up, asking us to not leave our belongings unattended.

So I hurried back to my table. It was the scariest moment. My bag was open, lying limp on the floor with the laptop sleeve lying on top.

MacBook gone! The bloody person took everything in my bag! Yet he left behind the Freitag backpack and Freitag laptop sleeve.

I swear I choked on my heart regarding the stolen MacBook. It's frightening.

But it's true that you can ALWAYS replace a MacBook, but you can NEVER replace a Freitag bag.

POP IT UP!

It was Colin's class today. We were doing pop-up cards.

But today, I wasn't soaring. I don't have any experience with pop-ups. Basically I was quite lost and frustrated. I should come up with 5 pop-up cards by next week's class.

Colin was taking the register. He called me 'Kang Kong'. Then we all just laughed. Kang Kong is an old joke already lah, huh. It goes way back when I was in primary school. But old joke still kinda funny though. Guess you can call it a classic joke!

Then I told Colin that kangkong is a vegetable and he went on giving names of other vegetables like pak choy and kai lan. I was pleasantly surprised that he knew the pasar terms. Apparently he's been in SG for over half a year now. He called me kangkong, and then called himself kailan or something. I told him that kailan was more suited for a female.

Wasn't a really productive 3-hour class because I simply had no idea where to start. Plus we were doing more of walking around and stuff. Started off by going to Art Friend to get some paper to work with. From Art Friend, got hungry and went for tauhuay break.

I sliced up so much paper, it was almost criminal. You know, with all the eco-friendly movements these days...

Colin said he's looking forward to see what I come up with. Good, I like motivation from him. Thank goodness I went for his class. It made me feel more at ease.

It's still a rough week for me. I'm feeling better, though the negativity still seeping through. It's hard not to think about financial issues lah, huh. Still quite sore that I can't afford my own DSLR camera. Someday...

Fasting month for Muslims start tomorrow. I feel I should exercise my own form of abstinence too. Abstinence from my MacBook and the Internet.

I find myself stuck to the computer all the time. I believe that it does suck your soul dry, because I've been out of sorts lately. Kinda lost something deep inside. Technology is a boon, but it is also a curse. Break the curse, I say.

For a month, there'll be no updates, I'm afraid. I shall keep my interaction with the computer to a minimum. I still need the freaking computer for school! So apart from that, no funny business on the computer.

P.S. Ghani introduced me to iSketch a while back. Now I'm hooked on it. I love Pictionary games lah!

All right, guess I'll see you in a month then.

Abstinence from the computer and Internet. Breaking the technological curse to restore my soul.

Love Thy Flowers, Eat Thy Flowers

Vexed and Slacked

It's been a rough week. I'm so vexed. MONEY MONEY MONEY. Where to freaking get money?

Yesterday at work, I swear I completely slacked my buns off! Furthermore, there were quite a number of people on duty; too much in numbers, in fact. I would say we were overstaffed. I finally refused to be the only few on my feet the whole time. So I simply slacked lor. Maximised my minimal hourly wage.

After work, I realised that I had let precious time slip through my fingers just like that. Time is precious because I have plenty to do for school. Sometimes I wonder if I'm complacent or something, because I find myself losing my creative touch every now and then.

I lost a bit of my drive for school this week. A lot of things have been playing on my mind.

This whole bloody money issue have been playing non-stop in my head. What shall I do without money? Oh, that's right, I could do NOTHING.

Everyone seems to be hard up for money though. Yesterday, a colleague was planning her hours, hoping to earn her target salary, only to be dismayed. Cannot blame lah, huh. Minimal wage after all. 800 bucks is as far as we can go without losing our minds. I hate reality checks.

I am very negative this week. It sucks.

But where is all these negativity going to bring me? It's very good practice to always ask yourself this question when you're feeling down.

I have this little Book of Wisdom from way back in secondary school days, which I recently stumbled upon. This Book of Wisdom contains inspirational quotes and useful tips on happier living, all of which I collated from books and stuff.

Apparently well-forgotten, but I'm glad that it found its way back to me again.

Anyways, all these negativity will bring me nowhere. I find myself at a creative block when I feel negative, because negativity affects vision. To be more exact, negativity SHROUDS vision.

Vision is not all about seeing with the eye. Vision is an abstract, unique and personal experience. Without vision, nothing is possible.

Thus, all the negativity has to go. How long do I want to hold on to these negative thoughts?

We all have problems when it comes to letting go. I guess it's key to just keep moving on eh? No point holding on to things that bring pain or unhappiness. When you refuse to let go, it prolongs your suffering, doesn't it?

This week for me was just all moping, grumbling and griping. Which obviously wasted a whole lot of bloody time.

I constructed this cardboard display for school, where the use of glue of tape was prohibited. I screwed up bad. Others might say that it's perfectly fine, but I've learnt that I shall not live up to the expectations of others. What matters is that I be true to myself.

WHICH, sometimes becomes quite tricky when MY expectations are WAYYY beyond that of others'. Fine, I'm a perfectionist at what I do.

A concerned classmate, I forgot who, once highlighted the contrast of my work(mainly the paper sculptures) and theirs in general. It was said that the work I produced, in contrast, made theirs look bad or something. I don't know what to say in response.

So, if all my negativity was going to affect my work, I should banish it out from my system, say, IMMEDIATELY?!

What shall I replace these negativity with?

Things that make me happy, of course!

All the best to me, and ALL THE BEST TO YOU!

Give It To Me, Give It To Me

I was just looking at some photos and thought to myself, Damn! These are fugly photos! Barely even art-gly!

I'm dying to get my DSLR now. But every day I grow more desperate thinking how on earth I'm going to get the 1.2K. It's 1.2K leh! SGD1200!

My compact camera have been heavily used, to a point where I feel that the image sensor is a little degraded now. The images produced by the camera are way too grainy, with a lot noise.

Money, money, money, give it to me, give it to me...

Easily Pink & Blue

Yesterday, brought my Pink & Blue babies to class. Because the lesson needed it and of course, to vantez-vous(brag about and show off) lah!

I showed a couple of people only though, haha... Very proud of my screenprint, can?

Then Daniel dismissed my screenprint, saying, "Aiyah, very easy to do what, just cut out from cardboard can already,"

Yeah, screenprinting and stencil making is sure damned easy. Definitely took like, what, 15 minutes to do my Pink & Blue?

Therefore, since it's so bloody chicken feed to make the screen stencils, I decided to do one this morning. But not the Pink & Blue though. I really like the 'We Live In A Textured World", so I blew up the tracing at the photocopier, and decided to do a larger image of it.

I tried my very best to be patient and careful. My eagerness sometimes result in errors and mistakes. But this time round, I made sure I was calm and relaxed. I wanted the perfect screen.

Of course, now I'm proud to say that I have achieved a NEAR perfect screen. My stencil cutting was close to spectacular, despite making some last minute changes to the image. My stencil attaching was pure genius this time! I really have to say that this is the most perfect and effective screen SO FAR.






So, without hesitation, I went down to printing my image!

Which, by the way, went awry!!!

For the first time, my pink ink got clogged up in the screen! I washed my screen quite thoroughly after the first print, but still couldn't get the specks of paint out of the mesh! Then I tried to scrape the clogged up bits off. MISTAKE!

I accidentally nicked the mesh a little. My heart did like a flip or something. I gave up trying to remove the clogged paint, afraid that I might just completely rip my screen apart.

Hence, I end up with the perfect stencil, but a clogged up screen. Sian...

Classic example of extreme eagerness spoiling the craft. Patience is definitely a virtue, but in this era, who really has patience?

Once, in a web design class, the lecturer was talking about website loading speeds, and he said, "Maximum time I'll wait for a website to load is 10 seconds. Longer than that, forget it! I don't even want to see what's the site is about,"

I believe it's just terrible important to be efficient nowadays. But in TRYING to be efficient, I'll be kan chiong. I'm not the type that will work well under pressure. So more kan chiong, more screw ups? How to be efficient if I screw up?

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On a whole new note, I NEED MONEY. Or more precisely, I WANT MONEY.

Seriously ar, I'm growing to be more and more lui bin, meaning money-faced in Hokkien. No money, no talk. No talk, no job. No job, NO MONEY.

So how? It's like some vicious cycle.

Talking about vicious, I might as well just say it since it's been playing on my mind.

I am a vicious bitch, not too fond of boyfriend/husband snatchers. I have an incredibly bad impression of 'third parties'. Didn't have pleasant experiences in life with people of the ilk.

Therefore, when a friend's long-term relationship went awry due to, presumably, a third party, it hit a raw nerve in me lor.

Then when you try to stop the vicious bitch from taking over, it's futile, of course, since it's after all a 'vicious bitch'.

Vicious bitch with a vicious tongue, sometimes MANY vicious tongues. I've tagged some highly creative comments on Fee's blog, since she is, presumably, the third party.

Then the boyfriend and her friends weren't too happy about it. I heard it was because my insults were too frequent. Then it kinda appeared that I had 'nothing better to do at 3.00AM in the morning' and 'was trying to ruin Fee's new found relationship' after all, 'it's been some time since she's been in the love game'.

"Falling in love is easy, but staying in love requires work."

That's why in general, we all much prefer to fall in love. You know, that warm and fuzzy sensation that tickles your inside when you're in love? That palpitating heart when you see The One, the stuttering, weak in the knees etc.

Likewise, "Finding The One requires work, snatching is easy."

So just snatch lor. As normal people, we all look for the easy way out.

After all my creative but vicious remarks, I've come to know that I'm so not welcome. It is after all, the relationship of my friend and her boyfriend, so it's up to them to reach an agreement and I'm not welcome to stick my nose into their affairs.

Hence, yes, I do get the message, it is a problem that doesn't involve me so I'm out. No more bitchy remarks from me, Fee.

I WILL stop my insults.

But meanwhile, my creative mind will just churn out more stuff to say, but no, not going to say because, many things are better left unsaid. One can shut the hell up, but none can stop one from thinking.

Lecturer Hidayah told us yesterday that it is important that we think. They want to cultivate thinking designers, not doing designers. Thinking vs. Doing.

I believe I'm more of a do-er than thinker because I seriously cannot stand deep stuff. Design Theory in school deals with a lot of words! I love type, but I dread text! Plus it's not helping that the topics all very cheem. All the cheeminology of seeing, thinking, colour, space etc.

And the reading list they provided! OMGWTF! I'm half guessing the books are full of words, with hardly any visuals. I need thy books with visuals! I buy a lot of books, but none with just words in them. Must buy books with many images and colour ma! Like that then worth your average-about-35-dollars a book, what.







While cultivating patience, I shall make it a point to cultivate deeper thinking too. I bloody know that it's hard, but I'll just try, yeah?

Pink & Blue

I've been thinking, it's really not worth my time and energy working minimal hourly wage. Money have never been more important for me.

I've come to realise that being in Lasalle is AN INVESTMENT through and through. That's just a really nice way to put it. (I love euphemisms!)

To put it bluntly, Lasalle just makes you spend money all the time. It sounds very horrible, but it's true. That's why it's always good to see it as an investment, not a rip-off!

I've kinda decided that I wanna get a Nikon D40x, but seriously, I'm severely lacking in funds. I could get a reasonable second-hand camera, no doubt, just that I don't want to. When it comes to personal gadgets like these, I still prefer first-hand.

I've said that feeling for me is very important, so it is vital that I feel my own camera. A DSLR is a powerful gadget. I can feel the power when I hold a DSLR in my hand. Feeling is simply key. I want the camera to be mine and mine only. Could say I'm quite possesive.

Anyways, a couple of days back, I reached home and got the shock of my life!



Immediately, I interrogated my mother. "Where did you get this?!?!"

"The market, lor." Still very nonchalant some more.

Then I explained the whole hoo-ha of the Anya Hindmarch bag to her.

She got it for S$13 at the market. I'm just guessing that it's a fake lah, huh.

Classmate Jessica carries one of them I'm Not A Plastic Bag too! It made for a very good ice-breaker, because the first thing I said to her was, "I've been looking at your bag for a very long time, where did you get it?"

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Last night, I finally sat down and did a proper screenprinting session, complete from cutting the stencil to pulling the final print! I love stencil-making for some reason. I cannot pin-point a reason why I like to cut stencils, I just enjoy doing it.

I realised that I'm still quite amateurish and experimental doing screenprinting. I've spent quite a fair bit on screenprinting materials, but still haven't found my niche in creating the perfect and effective screen. I'm just using film stencil that I attach to the screen with thinner, which is by far my most reliable method to get a good print.

However, the smell of thinner is really unpleasant and quite hazardous too. I also find it terribly difficult to attach the film to the screen evenly. I always end up with parts poorly attached to the screen.

So late last night, I did my 'pink & blue' print! It was for my creative process journal(CPJ), which consists of two sketchbooks with opposing concepts.

These are the frames with the attached film stencils.



The final print on the sketchbook covers! I was really kinda expecting a clean and crisp image, but I ran into some mishap using the thinner to attach the film stencil, which resulted in open patches here and there. Then I thought I might as well just go for the raw, unfinished and rugged look.



I ultra love the contradiction here! Pink and Blue are opposites, but here, pink is blue and blue is pink! I'm fascinated with contradictory ideas like that. It just makes you stop and think and go, "What the hell?!"

A few days ago, I did the "We Live In A Textured World" print. It was quite a slip-shod screenprint, partly because I was quite kan chiong. I did an extremely bad job at attaching the film stencil. I'll need more practice.



Nevertheless, it still turned out okay. Not the best, but still acceptable lah, huh.

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Today, I went down to NYP to settle my withdrawal. Yes, technically, I'm still enrolled in NYP, while at the same time enrolled to Lasalle. It's strange how the authorities haven't said anything about it.

It was kinda dreadful how I had to go back to that darn school and still had to talk to my personal mentor some more. But in the end, it wasn't all that bad. I had a brief chat with Alex, who had to sign the 'release' form. It was all quite professional and friendly, wasn't quite what I had imagined. But now, it's all well.

There is still one LAST visit to NYP when I finally drop off the completed form at the admin office.

After talking to Alex, I was ready to leave the campus when I realised that I've forgotten to collect my EZ-Link card from the Lasalle office. It was 4.00 PM, I had to collect it before 5.00 PM. So I rushed back down to Lasalle to collect my card.

I was served by a really pretty and attractive receptionist at Lasalle. BUT TOO BAD SHE'S GOT A FUCKING ATTITUDE! First of all, when she talked to me, she didn't LOOK at me. She just stared into her 20" Mac display screen. Then she wanted to ask for my ID. But she asked it in the strangest way that I couldn't understand, so I got a bit blur and confused. She then slightly hollered at me lah!

Pretty girls with fucking attitudes like that are most well off being 'vases'; Pretty to look, and good to stick something into!

Anyways, I realised that TransitLink also haven't said anything about me being registered under two tertiary institutions. Hence, I now have TWO tertiary EZ-Link cards.