Three weeks of studio project. One and a half weeks more to go. During this time, we, as students, are to work independently, and we're not supposed to be 'hoarding' our lecturers.

I love how they use 'hoarding'. Very strong and dramatic. To a certain extent, humorous too.

Anyways, for the first two weeks, there are 4 review sessions with an assigned lecturer. They stressed that 'attendance for you review sessions will affect your final grade'.

To date I have missed two. The first one, I simply didn't show up. But the second review session, I turned up, okay? Despite looking like hell 'cos of a terrible case of Mowed-hawk. So, I waited, and waited. The schedule for the first student was 3pm. Mine was 4pm. Time: 3.45pm The first guy still hadn't seen the lecturer. Duh, I left. Senseless for me to waste my time there.

If every review session was going to waste our time like that, then I understand very well why they state so strongly that 'your attendance for you review sessions will affect your final grade'. Hence, wouldn't it be better for me to not turn up for these reviews? I could be spending time doing my project instead. Which will lead me to a better grade.

But that's just all talk.

I'm not 'working hard' for this project because it's boring. I constantly find myself bored and uninspired by their assignments. Is it just me or what?

A while back, I saw an interview with a Malaysian fashion designer on TV. She had said that back when she was in fashion school, her lecturer would tell the students that they should be taking their assignments as presents.

How I wish I could hear this from my lecturers. I'm seriously bored stiff at school. I wished they were more, well, arty-farty.

I find 'arty-farty' a rather disturbing word that hinges on discrimination for the arts. But well, it seems to be the word for describing what I'd prefer.

I had met up with my cousin recently. She started semester at NTU's Art Design Media course and was telling me all about it. Arty-farty indeed. Sounds like much fun too. A million lightyears from what I'm doing.

My studio project asks, "Boat Quay- create an interesting composition of the place; most importantly it must convey a messsage."

At this point, I find myself very worn out from the semester. And now this. It's just not that exciting, you know.

Furthermore, for some reason, I lost my oomph for drawing. For weeks straight, it's just drawing of buildings, architecture, interiors. I'm dead bored. It's perspective drawing over and over again. Down at Boat Quay, it's shophouses after shophouses. I think, "Wow, it's amazing how far the place have developed since Raffles first came. BUT DO I REALLY HAVE TO DRAW ALL THESE SHIT?"

And please forgive me, but I just CANNOT STOP HARPING ON THE FACT THAT EVERYTHING GOES DIGITAL! I"M A BLOODY ILLITERATE, FOR GOODNESS' SAKE!!

In this aspect, I feel disadvantaged. It is not a good feeling.

Let's hear about things that get me excited then.

I have colleagues asking me to design T-shirts and shoes for them. Now, that is interesting. That is fulfilling. That is inspiring. To create wearable art. To produce mobile art. Something that makes sense to me. Something with a purpose.

But there's this funny thing. I find myself turning to Photoshop for help. I'm really not too if this digital intervention is good or bad. I could perhaps make it work for me.

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The randomest things hit me some times.

I was working Saturday night. Then I see all these Bengs and Lians. Then I thought, "What did one Beng say to another Beng?"

"LET'S GO CHIONG AR!! LIM-PEH HANDS DYING FOR A DANCE," (techno music plays..)

It's not meant to offend. I have issues with techno music IN THE PAST. I'm just using this past discrimination in a humorous way. I also have issues with HANDS dancing to techno music. Okay, this is pure bias, but in a HUMOROUS WAY.

Then recently, the ants at home became a tad bigger and faster. I used to be able to squash them on first attempt. But now, I take up to five attempts to do so. I also used to not be able to feel the squashed ant. But now, I can feel the bursting of the ants, releasing their bodily fluids(slightly exaggerated).

So I hate ants. And I wondered, "If I dropped an ant from 12 storeys, will it die?"

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I bet you'd love to know about the Mowed-hawk issue.

(Mowed-hawk means mowed down Mohawk.)

Okay, so one morning, I felt that I shouldn't be wasting so much money on my hair-cut since it's essentially just shaving the sides and all. So I went to a barber.

*buzzer sirens off* WRONG MOVE!

The barber gave me a terrible shave, especially at the back. I got a slope! A SLOPE!! NOBODY GETS A SLOPE ANYMORE!!!

I hid my bad hair under my 'SUPERSTAR' cap. Later which, I went to the professionals.

Thank goodness there wasn't a lot of people to see my bad cut. I took off my cap and told my hair-cutter, "Hi, I need help. Just clean up the mess."

There was this other guy in the shop too, who saw my hair. I swear I could've blown his head off for just witnessing my horrible cut. When I was done, he was still getting a colour job, and he told me that it looked way better than when I just came in.

Anyways, the hair-cutter did her best. She had to even out everything, so it just went short short SHORT! I'm left with almost nothing on the back of my head.

Goodbye Mohawk. Hello to Mowed-hawk.

Meanwhile, we wait for Mohawk to return.

The lesson learnt: Never be cheapo!

On the same day, I realised that I got bored with caps. Bad hair days could call for something more interesting. Interesting like.... umm... Bandanas??

Hence I got a bandana lor.

Cool okay. In white adorned with the Chinese character 'fu'. So auspicious, right?

On Sunday, I came home only to find nothing on TV but the National Day Rally. I almost went berserk. But decided to hear the chap out. At some points, I thought he made so much sense. But for some of it, it just went, "Yadda yadda yadda yadda..."

Haha!... Remember not to lose your sense of humour.

If you think all's well again, think again.

As usual, school's looking bleak to me. Last night, I had a nervous break down. I felt so lost, so desperate.

I don't understand why I'm even doing some of my assignments. Digital colouring is defnitely my death acu-point. In fact, most things digital scare the hell outta me. I deem myself to be pretty screwed up at school.

I'm made to colour and colour and colour DIGITALLY. Not as if I'm particularly talented in this aspect. I feel so bad for myself sometimes. I don't even know how to use Photoshop for goodness' sake!

However, a lecturer had said that not knowing your tools well is still fine as long as your design skills are strong. It was indeed something comforting to hear.

But still!! For other modules, they're all bent on making me use Photoshop.

And this lecturer named Gwen still had the fucking audacity to say, "You dunno Photoshop, you go find out yourself," during a project briefing.

So I think, "Then why the hell do I bother enrolling myself in an institution? I can always 'find out for myself'!"

I'm so pissed that I'm growing more desperate each day.

Instead of exams, there is a studio project which will more of less decide my fate after this semester. Happens over the next 3 weeks.

However, I, clairvoyant or something, can kinda foretell my fate. Okay lah, seriously, it doesn't take a clairvoyant to tell my fate. Because stated in the project guidelines, "The final artwork is an A3 DIGITALLY illustrated and coloured piece."

So what do you think will happen to me?

And you thought fortune-telling wasn't your thing?!

I'm just un-motivated, un-inspired and un-involved.

Despite all the circumstances, I find time to cultivate my interest.

DUH! I buy shoes and paint on them lah!

Graphic books are damned inspiring. But I have to say that this time round, my design is kinda adapted, but I still made it original in the end.

The best thing is, this new pair of shoes features my best pals, Kalis and Hairianto. Maybe not 100% resemblance, but it's important that you know that I tried my best.

It's not easy, but this week's been just bad. Then suddenly, it's almost the end of semester 1.

I feel disconnected. Like there's something in between that's missing.

I was just saying hi to a lecturer, and he asked me, "How's everything so far?"

I replied, "Like that lor,"

"What's like that?"

Then it just hit me from nowhere!

I told the lecturer, "Un-inspiring."

And he assured me the next semester will be better.

That little assurance was the best thing that happened to me.

Anyways, back to 'un-inspiring'.

There is no better word to describe my current status. I feel unmotivated, uninspired and uninvolved. The only reason I'm completing my assignments is so that I can submit them in. Everything seems to be plunging downhill.

Of course I feel like crap! THIS WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE HAPPENING!

In moments like this, I find it damned tough to feel positive.

When my school work started to interfere with my sleep pattern, I knew that things were not good. And the worst thing would be school work invading my dreams.

And it did happen!

If dreams and work collide, it is the worst sign of all. I cannot clear my head. I'm constantly fretting over my work. The more I fret, the more discouraged I get.

I'm probably very discouraged now. All I want to do is sigh. Plus I'd love to forget everything and start afresh. But obviously, I can't.

NYP is just another typical college, on a very serious note. Sadly, I'm not the typical college type of student. It's not even arty-farty enough for me.

They always tell us, '3D Animation is going to fetch money. 2D graphics will get you nowhere.'

How encouraging!!! Considering the fact that I'm more into graphic design.

MONEY MONEY MONEY. Why is it always all about the money?

The freaking lecturers love playing the 'Client game' too. They love to defend themselves by saying, "Imagine if I was your client.... blah blah.."

I would just think, "Excuse me, but we're in a school now? Reality check?"

The reason I only think and not voice out is because they will only rebut me. After which, I'd have nothing to say. It's a losing case right from the start.

And I cannot believe it's stereotypical and rigid around here. I feel like I'm being strangled. My creative juices have stopped flowing altogether. NYP, tragically, is an inhibitor instead of a catalyst.

The lecturers are uninspiring, to say the least. On my very first day, I met my first inspiring lecturer. And then I thought that most of the lecturers would be like that too. That was wishful thinking on my part. Truth is, I find the lecturers boring, rigid and well, UNINSPIRING.

But I'd like to say that I'm feeling exceptionally aggressive because this week sees multiple deadlines. All of which I'll be submitting crappy work.

I have kinda lost my focus. Losing steam also. I think by now, I have also lost all steam.

HOW CAN IT BE SO DEPRESSING?!?!