Most of the queer things that I encounter happen in the cinema. After all, I spend like half my time there.

So today, I was banished to doing duty at ushering. However, it had been a fun experience, considering the plethora of dumb-asses I had to serve.

Let me just recount one incident regarding a secondary school couple who tried to sneak into another theatre so that they could watch another movie.

A few months back, I wasn't 18(DUH!). But I managed to catch an M18-rated movie. Because I got a ticket for a PG-rated show, but went to the cinema hall that was showing the M18 movie. No, I wasn't caught. I got through the usher point. It was at GV Tampines Mall. I think they should keep their eyes wide open.

Well, being eager youngsters, this two students tried to pull the exact same trick. But I'm really apologetic that they were at Eng Wah Suntec and not GV Somewhere Else. Our cinema halls are located on the same level, facing one another. Compacted. There is no way of sneaking into another cinema.

The two cheeky secondary school kids bought tix for 'I Not Stupid Too' and wanted to watch 'Big Momma's House 2' instead. I mean, who can you blame?

Both movies screen at approximately 3pm. In cinema halls 1 and 2, which are side by side.

Before I admitted the halls, the girl, full of confidence and tenacity, came up to ask me for the hall that screened Big Momma's Hse. Being all nice and goody-licious (this word occurred to me on last fateful Wednesday morning the moment I got outta bed), I said, "Hall 2."

When I admitted the halls, I saw that their tix were for that local flick. Without much thought, it struck me that these two jokers were up to something. Then I felt my sarcasm come on strong.

"Hall 1 just straight ahead," I exclaimed as I flashed my most wonderful smile.

As though they lost their brains, they shamelessly strode into hall 2. All the while, my beady and suspicious eyes were locked on them. They thought I lost my brains when they're the ones who're brainless.

With a heartfelt smirk, I yelled, "Excuse me, that's not hall 1. Hall 1's over here."

Reluctantly, they obeyed me. I felt so smug. Can't help it, can I? I foiled their beautifully but brainlessly planned plot. Aww, so sad... Too bad for them that I'm beautiful AND brainy. It'll take so much more to get ahead of me. I know, I'm a freak-bitch gushing torrents of sarcasm.

And you thought they were gonna give up after that? HELL NO!

Luckily I was smart enough to plaster my eyes on the doors of hall 1. I closed the doors early (usually, cinema hall doors left open before show starts) so that whe the two bozos try to scuttle their way next door, I'll hear them opening the doors like a couple of thieves.

They did as I expected.

I think it was like 10 to 20 minutes after the first encounter. I heard a noise coming from hall 1. I am so nosey! I just have to check things out. I saw that the door to hall 1 was not closed properly. But I coulda bet my life that I had closed it nice and good. Just then, I felt a smirk coming.

With one exaggerated swing of hand, I whipped open the door to hall 1. Guess what I saw?

A couple of schoolkids staring straight at me. Oops! Busted for the second time! I said it would take much more to get ahead of me, right?

But because I'm Mr. Best Customer Service, how could I bear to reprimand them? Plus it's not nice to embarrass people like that. So I asked if they needed help.

Very predictably, the girl said, "Oh, going toilet."

I directed them very politely to the toilet that was outside our cinema premises. You know the best thing? I made eye contact with both of them and smiled really sweetly at them.

As I saw their backs diminish into the distance, I beckoned to my colleagues at the snackbar. Then I had a good evil laugh.

When they came back, I courteously directed them back to hall 1. I made a slight emphasis on 'hall 1'.

I made sure they were in there nice and cosy for the rest of the sucky movie.